lights will guide you home
by Her Name Is Erika
Summary: And ignite your bones. / Or, Billy and Victoria finding light at the end of yet another dark tunnel together. BillyVictoria.


**lights will guide you home  
show: **Young and the Restless  
**central character(s):** Victoria Newman Abbott, Billy Abbott  
**central pairing:** Billy Abbott & Victoria Newman Abbott  
**summary:** And ignite your bones. / Or, Billy and Victoria finding light at the end of yet another dark tunnel together. BillyVictoria.  
**notes:** Their reunion was absolute bliss so I wanted to expand on it. And Victoria is one of my FAVOURITE characters. She gets a lot of shade thrown at her, but I love her for the flaws anyway. The more people shade, the more Victoria centric things I'll write. I wanted to write her as someone who had the right to feel what she felt but also seeing her husband's point of view. Hopefully, I succeeded and through my words, you can have a better understanding of Victoria. You don't have to like her. Just understand. Or, try. Or, don't. I don't care. It's all good.  
**notes2:** Billy & Victoria are my OTP. They will be no matter is happening on TV or whatever direction the show decides to take with them. I understand they have opposition. I get that. At this point, you can kindly stop and find something else to tickle your literary fancy. But if you STILL wanna read, by all means, go ahead. As always, feedback is appreciated.  
**disclaimer:** Nope. Not mine. Obviously.  
**dedications:** Team Villy, this one is for you. My fellow Billy & Victoria shippers are just awesome.  
**musical inspiration: **"It's All Coming Back to Me." – Celine Dion; "Taking Chances" – Celine Dion & "Fix You" – Coldplay.

* * *

"_What's the alternative? Some safe, steady, accountant sort of guy who can't show you the highs of life? You know, that might work for some women, but that won't work for you, because you're a risk taker. And you have been your entire life. You need the excitement. You need the rush. And you can't get that unless you fall every once in awhile, and, honey, just stay with me. I swear to you, I will pick you up every time we fall. But, hey. Honey. When we soar... you'll know it's worth it."_

"_You are the most exhausting... difficult... exasperating... exhilarating, breathtaking person that I have ever known in my whole life, and you're right. I could never go through this life without you, ever."_

_-Billy & Victoria Abbott (August 16, 2013)_

.

Victoria can be angry, feel sadness, feel hesitation while staring into those deep blue eyes of his, and even feel the ghost of a smile touch her lips when he says something to trigger that reaction in her. Victoria can feel the twinges of nostalgia when she buys a bottle of Merlot but really wants real Jamaica rum. She can stand in the middle of the living room of the house they share with their beautiful son asleep and list the reasons why she's tired and depleted. Victoria can stand in this room as it's lit by candles and made brighter by all of these beautiful moments and tell Billy that with every beautiful moment is an ugly one that follows it, and she's done.

Here's what Victoria can't do: she can't stop this exhausting, breathtaking whirlwind of an adventure. She can't stop the happy tears that spring to her eyes and her walls shatter in that moment.

Most of all, Victoria cannot live this life or the next without this man – this force of nature that collides, crashes and blows through her life and into her heart and never leaves it.

Victoria Newman Abbott cannot live without Billy, who happens to be the love of her life.

.

She kisses him deeply like she aches to all this time. Victoria lets Billy place his hands on her cheeks as he kisses back with equal fervor, and need.

Victoria doesn't care that the wine glasses are on the table or that she start her book, while Johnny is down for the night and will sleep through most of it. She misses spooning with Billy in bed, her back pressed against his chest and his arms around her. They pull her closer, and she sleepily rests her hands on his and she is in pure bliss. Victoria holds his face, feeling her husband's light scruff underneath her palms and pulls away from his lips even though she doesn't want to.

Home. This is what this is, even with all the thunder and lightning and the rain beating down their house, she feels like it's home.

Victoria embraces Billy, her head against his broad shoulder.

There will always be the nightmares of being confined and kidnapped in the dark. They will always tug at the strings of Victoria's consciousness, but the nightmares are few and far between. There will always be the image of Eddie being shot and killed, as the blood pools around him. There will always be that visceral reaction of Victoria absentmindedly rubbing her wrist as if the handcuffs are still there.

There's Billy. And Victoria wants him with her, no matter how much she stubbornly pushes him away.

She pulls away with a light smile that pulls at the corner of her lips. "Come home."

Billy smiles that crooked smile she loves and his eyes twinkle, "Aw, baby, I thought you'd never ask."

.

Dr. Caroline Sullivan is her therapist for a little over two years. The sessions are sporadic.

Billy knows of her, but doesn't _know_ her. Caroline and Victoria toe the line between friendship and patient-therapist professionalism, now. But still, she needs objectivity, and more importantly, Victoria needs clarity. She will admit that Caroline Sullivan is the only therapist to have dark streak of black embedded in her shoulder length blonde hair, tied in a side ponytail and her side-swept bangs. In the back of Victoria's mind, she makes a note to ask Caroline where she gets that flowing turquoise maxi dress.

Caroline blows on the top of her steaming mug of coffee and brings to her lips, while Victoria nurses her cup of tea and honey. Her hands curl around the white _Crimson Lights_ cup, making her hands warm.

Green eyes stare intently at Victoria as she attempts to talk through the emotional mix brewing inside of her. It's a mix of joy at Johnny saying his first, happiness that makes her smile because she sees the light and pride in Billy's eyes when says Da-da clear as a bell and a blend of annoyance and almost being touched. Victoria's annoyed because of the misguided way Billy tries to get her into Newman, yet she cannot help but fall a little more in love with her husband because of it.

Regardless of how she feels, Victoria thinks Adam is a lot of things, but even she doesn't want to see her brother suffer for something he is not capable of. Nobody wants Adam out of Newman more than her, but Victoria knows Adam is not a rapist. He just isn't. Victoria knows her brother is capable of a lot of heinous things, but sex with a woman against her will is not one of them.

"I don't know what to do," Victoria says, as she and her therapist have a session on the Crimson Lights patio. "I mean, it would be easier for me to just turn my emotions off and not care. I used to be good at doing that."

"And what purpose would emotional detachment serve?"

"Protection. Protection from emotional complications."

Caroline sets her cup down, after a careful sip of coffee. "It would, but even the ones who appear to be cold, are the ones who hurt more deeply. But it's not healthy anyhow."

"I know that. I know. But I hate feeling like I'm out of control, you know? I hate being in knots and it would be easier if Billy and I could be divorced and co-parent our son. I just don't know if I have more to give. I mean, he went back to the one thing that put my life in danger. I look at our son and worry. I think of my son in DC and think the enforcers and bookies could find him and hurt him. His father will protect him, but still. I even spent nights worrying about his daughter," she says. The words rush out from her head to her mouth and right into Caroline's confidence. Victoria stops, and absentmindedly combs a hand through her dark tresses. Then Victoria admits quietly, whipping away tears before they can actually fall. "I love this man. I love him, and I don't know what to do with these conflicting feelings in my head."

"Victoria. Marriages hit the skids every day. Yours isn't the first and yours won't be the last. It's normal to have different emotions, but," the therapist says in a tone that is steady and imprints itself in Victoria's brain, "the only one – and I mean, _the only one_ – who can depend the fate of your marriage is you."

She blinks, and her tea is now room temperature. Victoria glances down at her wedding band, remembers the night she runs on adrenaline and toes the line between sober and happily buzzed. It's the night she etches Billy's name on her lower back, a permanent reminder of just how much this man means to her.

Victoria knows the answer but questions it, "How? How will I know?"

Caroline only smiles, "When you look at each other and there is nothing but genuine indifference. You'll know when you look at Billy and don't care about each other anymore." And," the blonde adds with a shrug, "it doesn't take a degree in psychology to know that isn't the case if Billy's taking steps to gain the trust he broke."

Victoria knows she will be journaling a lot tonight.

.

(It's one of the things that keep her sane, and curbs Victoria's temptation of calling and leaving Billy a voicemail before they both go to bed.

She fails at that and caves on the second attempt, but still – Victoria journals.)

.

_Truthfully, I wanted to be pregnant – even when Billy and I were crumbling and breaking apart at the seams, I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted Reed, Delia and Johnny to have another sibling. I wanted a baby to complete our mosaic of a family. I wanted to experience all of the things I couldn't do with Reed. It would have been my fifth pregnancy. I knew what the risk was with Billy gambling and falling back into an addiction he swore to me was under control. _

_It was scary watching my mother be tied to the bottle. So, addiction has been in and out of my life for as long as I can remember. I never get knots wondering if my mother would show up to my equestrian shows because she would. I had no doubt. But the knots in my stomach were from wondering if her cheering me on was really maternal joy, or slight drunkenness. _

_So, I know addiction. Met it. Hell, maybe – even shook hands with it. _

_I love Johnny. I love that little boy and he is my heart but still, having a child with the best parts of Billy and me, a little buddy for Johnny to boss around and be a big brother to, is still a dream I hold on to. It's the dream that never really got away, but is just out of reach. _

_Johnny misses his daddy. And as stubborn as I am, I miss my husband. I really do._

_I know that addiction is scary, and so is losing Billy, but I could not in good conscience bring a child into this tornado of addiction Billy was wrapped up in. I feel like it's a game of Tug-O-War – I'm pulling Billy toward me and the gambling has Billy on the opposite end. I don't want to let go. But I have to protect my children. I have to protect Reed. And I have Johnny. I only hope Chloe can protect Delia in the same way. _

_But I can't help it. I can't bring myself to get rid of my husband, no matter how many times it hurts me. Maybe I am an addict in my own way. _

_Hello, my name is Victoria Nicole Newman Abbott, and I am a Billy Abbott addict. _

_I am a woman that is helplessly addicted to her husband. _

_He infuriates and makes me want to rip my hair out, flaws and all._

_But I feel a lot worse when Billy is not here. I want him home._

.

Victoria is ruthless. She knows that about herself and long resigned herself to it being a part of her.

She is also protective of what she perceives to be hers. Victoria has no qualms doing whatever she has to get rid of any obstacles in her way. Usually, she is unashamed and unapologetic. As she gets into bed and waits for Billy to come back from checking in on Johnny, she feels both – ashamed and apologetic. There is a little baby she put in the crossfire when her protectiveness and ruthlessness blurs and becomes something dark, ugly and not who she is at her core.

She rests on her side, the sound of the rain strangely calming.

In the dark, Victoria can make out Billy's outline and is anticipating reaching for him in her sleep, only to find him asleep on his side toward the door.

"Johnny is literally sleeping through this storm."

"He's a heavy sleeper like his daddy."

She smiles softly, even if in the dark, Victoria can decipher Billy's outline and the familiarity that comes with him.

The baby monitor requires just batteries so it is the only thing alight on the night table.

He slides him under the covers, wraps his arms around her like he does many nights before.

"Hello," Billy says, and presses a light kiss to that sensitive spot behind her ear.

"Hi," she replies, and curls into his touch, like a reflex.

Then one phrase builds up like a pressure cooker of sorts, and Victoria blurts it out like a shot in the dark.

"I'm sorry."

Victoria rotates so that they're facing each other, and even after all this time, Billy still carries that twinkle in his blue eyes. It is one of the things that endear him to her among many things.

"Yes," Victoria says it again, tone more serious. "I'm sorry."

Thunder cracks and lightning is the natural light source. The rain still beats against the house on 416 Orchard Ave. "Did you cause this bad weather? Because," he smirks, "I happen to find women who can bend the weather to their will kinda sexy," he finds her hand, and presses a kiss to the back of it. After all this time, Billy makes it her blush and she's not even the blushing type.

She feigns a look of mock thought. "Hmm. Sorry," Victoria shakes her head. "I don't have that super power. However, I do have the ability to push people away when I'm upset and fearful," Victoria admits, twinges of shame and regret hitting her. "Look, I sprung going back to Newman on you. The way I did that, and my motives were even more wrong. I just…" Victoria pauses, because she's not the type of woman to apologize either, but she can have moments of self-awareness. "I know what addiction does to people, the dark side of it, but I also know that addiction is easier to fight with support. You have mine, and I'm sorry I made you feel alone."

Billy wordlessly kisses her and when he pulls away, he presses a kiss to her forehead.

Victoria is glad to have the security, the closeness and will never let distance separate them again.

"I'm sorry, too," Billy says. "I'm sorry I made you lose faith in me and us," he wraps an arm around her and pulls her close. "For now on, it's just a clean slate."

"Good," and Victoria rests her hand on Billy's stomach, and releases a sigh if contentment. "Because I happen to like clean slates."

"But you love me more."

Victoria laughs, "Yes, I happen to love you more."

(Nobody sleeps much after that. Victoria likes to think getting re-acquainted with her husband in the biblical sense takes precedence over that.)

.

Sleep does get disrupted throughout the night because of Johnny, but that is okay because he is happy, healthy, and loved.

Hearing Johnny laugh and babble as Billy sings him his special night-night song is the best music to her ears. Victoria goes in to read him a Bumpy the Camel story, and the best thing happens.

Somewhere in his babbling, Johnny looks up at her, smiles and clearly says Mama. Victoria gasps lightly, her heart stopping before he says it again. It's stupid and corny but that brings tears to her eyes. It is the same reaction she has when Reed does it. She loves this boy and it goes deeper than blood and DNA. It is a maternal love that is pure and unbridled. Johnny is her son in every way, shape and form.

Billy is wrapped up in the comforts of deep sleep which is why he is not here to see this milestone.

"Oh, my goodness. Did you just call me Mama?" Victoria cradles him to her in her arms, and kisses his little blond head. "You're so smart. I love you, you know that? Hmm?"

Johnny curls slightly, resting his head on her chest as she grabs the book and sits in the rocking chair.

In that moment, Victoria loves her three boys more than anything in the world.

.

When Johnny returns to the copious amount of dreams he must have, Billy and Victoria fall asleep literally and figuratively wrapped up in each other. It is peaceful. It is quiet.

It is still and calm – a beautiful type of silence that lets morning sunlight trickle in and pushes the storm of the previous night behind.

* * *

**A/N: I started to write this three days after Billy & Victoria reunited in the summer in the summer. Honestly, I had the urge to delete this because right now, but Villy is irking the hell out of me. My pride will not let me erase this no matter how much things playing out on TV. I finished this after putting it off for about 4 months. Life happens. **

**Feedback would be nice either way. But I am annoyed beyond belief in the moment. **

**I have three more Villy pieces to bump out of the way before I say deuces and focus my writing energy on a fandom that doesn't make me want to break things.**

**I'm gonna go finish "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." It's Victoria-centric, and I'm writing something about her. Depending on how you feel, you may hate me but it challenges me as a writer. **

**Thanks for reading my stuff. It's always appreciated. **

**-Erika**


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